On Fighting

Fights. We've all had them. We've all won some and we've all lost some.

This isn't going to be a list of our Top 10 fights (that's next week) because unless something relates to a particular instance or circumstance you are going through our disputes are between ourselves and I'm not going to tell you about them. Unless maybe I find something about a certain argument funny. Sometimes Jaime finds things I am mad about funny and she laughs and seeing her laugh makes me laugh although I am still mad, it's no longer as important to me as seeing her laugh.

Whether you personally think this or not, I believe all relationships are based just as much on the fights as it is the make-ups. In some relationships, in only takes one fight to destroy everything you've built together. In others, it can disintegrate into unhealthy relationships based on fear, disrespect and dishonor.

This was a casebook bad relationship...

Jaime and I have had our share of fights. I think it's impossible not to be in a relationship you care about and not have a heated exchange or two. It's how you choose to react in these times that define your future. I'm not going to speak for Jaime on this matter but I don't think she will disagree with me on too much of what I'm saying.

If so, we'll fight about it later.

I honestly believe that you need to have a few disagreements under your belts before getting married. Get it out of the way now before it's too late and you're riding the Divorce Train to Single Town. Just like we needed to experience moving to a big city with very little in the way of a support network to address any compatibility issues we had.

I'm not ashamed to admit it but we did have some bad patches in Calgary. We went to a couple marriage counselling sessions. To be honest, I wasn't impressed with it or the counselor - we vented our mutual frustrations to our therapist, who said nothing, offered no feedback, and then promptly told us she was taking a two week break and for us to come back after her holidays. She didn't even offer a band-aid solution. We were on our own to try and figure stuff out until our next appointment but she had no problem taking our money. I doubt she even went on vacation. She may have thought we were more trouble than it was worth, Or she knew something we didn't; we will either fix this on our own or one of us will be gone in two weeks. It was up to us to figure out where we wanted to go.

But here's what I did get out of that experience; Reflect what you heard your partner say. It's pretty simple - your partner says "blah blah blah" and you repeat back "What I hear you saying is blah blah blah". That allows your partner to either confirm or rearrange their thoughts into a more coherent concern. I use it often, at home or at work. I think it helps.

My other take-away; What's the Win-Win?

In hindsight, that might not have been from that counselor. But the theory is simple - what solution can the two of us arrive at where we both felt we 'won'? It involves compromise and finding a middle ground. It might feel good to be in a situation where you win and your partner loses but in the end, one day you're going to be on the losing side and it will suck. All I can say is try to be graceful in your loss, humble in your win.

I am grateful to Jaime that we try to find the Win-Wins. I think that is very important. Although I said I wouldn't dig into our closet of arguments, I think she's okay with this one 'minor' disagreement we had a few years ago.

The Case of the Ugly Utensil Holders

Ugly

Awesome

I absolutely hated a utensil holder we had - it was a wire bar thing you'd see in an IKEA kitchen display. The handles would poke out and basically it drove me nuts. Of course, there was a lot of other stresses going on in our lives but that utensil holder, at that time, represented all that was evil in my world. I loathed it more than the when Messier and Keenan became Canucks and destroyed all I held true to hockey (okay, not that much). 

I tried to replace it with a Heinz ketchup can because I thought it was 'hip' and 'retro-cheap' but that became the bane of Jaime's existence (probably for the same reasons I preferred it). We fought with way more passion and intensity that would be expected over a utensil holder. In the end, Jaime bought a decent looking cookie jar which we now use. Win-win.  

Anyways, I guess I'm saying is that another reason why I love Jaime so is our ability to have these disagreements and at the end of the day or week, we are able to apologize and move on with our lives. Sometimes in the heat of the moment we might forget about the Win-Win or the 'what I hear you saying is...' for a couple of days but with time, I think we get to it. Sometimes I have no idea what she is mad about and I am sure she feels the same towards me sometimes. I've since learned not to keep my issues bottled up and not think things like 'if i just don't address it, it won't bother me'. I've learned that from Jaime.

And as the day gets nearer, we will be arguing a lot more. I am apparently not allowed to man the BBQ after the ceremony nor can we have a magician. And for her part, she promised to ... well... I'm keeping that story in my pocket until another day.

In the end, as long as we continue to grow and parent from a position of love and respect, I'm happy, which sure as hell beats that other option entering a marriage.

Okay, 70 days to go...